Alienation in the Post Cold War Era
Chapter 15
Objectivity as a
Requirement for Love
(page 7)
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In a debate personal hostility or tension is a sign of dead personalities. But in a dialogue, each one can be really themselves, spontaneous and emotionally open without threatening the other. Each one is compassionate, and caring toward the other. The animated interactions between the people in a genuine dialogue is a reflection of joy and personal enrichment from the dialogue as each one is really listening and learning from the other even if they do not fully agree. Each one accepts and respects the other’s genuine knowledge that come from the other’s enlivening way of looking at the differences. Each one knows that the other has something to teach, even if some of the arguments entails contradictions and errors.
If the dialogue is about painful or difficult matters, it normally results in a resolution of the matters that deepens the trust and connection between the people. Unlike debate and arguments which are the norm in our culture, a dialogue occurs between people who can use objective reasoning. Dialogue occurs between people who derive their strength from true independence and humanity. It occurs between those who have enough humility not to be attached to positions permanently because they do not need to view the constant changes in the world from the position of a possessive ego. Such people do not manipulate and do not need to be manipulated. Dialogue over differences become a process to enjoy or experience with the eyes and heart fully open.
Dialogue as a Way to Resolve Personal Conflicts
Dialogue, of course, does not occur only when speakers discuss some external matters with the present of an audience. What is written above applies for the daily interactions in the relationships between friends and couples. To heal or enrich relationships, the involved couple or friends must be capable to do both: to be in touch with their feelings including anger and criticism, and express them in a non-judgmental way that attains a real hearing from the other side. This can be done only when a person can be fully human: when the person gains the basic ability to be objective about oneself and others, and express his/her feelings and reasoning in a loving and compassionate manner.
Objective reasoning in time of conflict are not the enemy of feelings but the feelings’ necessary complement that triggers clarification of the conflict and the enhancement of the relationship. When both persons are capable to reach to and speak from the center of their being, they do not have to be afraid to speak their mind and their heart, even if occasionally they may be misunderstood. When both can be objective and attuned to each other feelings from the depth of their emotional aliveness, conflicts with occasional anger and anxiety are not a big deal because negative feelings are not a major drive in the personalities of the people involved.
Conflicts are not a bad thing if they lead to a genuine dialogue that promote growth on both or all sides. Contradictions and differences exist in the elements that drive everything in the universe. Differences and conflicts from misunderstanding are integral part of growing together with joyful moments, sad moments, and times when differences and difficulties need to be discussed and resolved. Healthy people are not afraid of productive conflicts because they are not afraid of growing. When conflicts occur between non-alienated people, conflicts are not destructive, but they rather produce classifications. The people in the conflicts become intellectually and emotionally richer from the dialogues, as the people involved grow separately and together. We say that they also grow separately because not all the differences can be resolved in a dialogue. Some differences remain, but they are respected when we can put ourselves in the shoes of the other person and really understand where he/she comes from emotionally. Thus, in productive dialogues the tension from misunderstandings is transformed to warmer feelings toward each other. The basic love between the people grows from the emotional openness toward each other. Sometimes, there could be pain or hard feelings between healthy and enlivened people that need to be experienced openly in a non threatening and supporting setting. But when the people are capable to have a dialogue on the issues behind the pain, it is transformed and passes, activating stronger connections between the involved parties. After the conflict is resolved, humanistic positive emotional abilities — such as the empathic capacities of the people involved — are enriched.
Objectivity combined with love and compassion allow us to cut through people subjective facades and unite with them from our center. When a person tells a loved one that he/she sees what goes on with them objectively — that is, without the distortion of anxieties and fears, but from a place of love and compassion — the other person will response positively. In such a case the beloved person hears out what his partner or friend has to say even if that is not pleasant and somewhat painful. Thus, real objectivity goes together with love, care, trust, and compassion.
If in our example Paul and Amy were healing their relations in a direction in which both try to overcome the basic flaws of the alienated personality, Paul’s response to Amy’s anger (that stems from her isolation) could be a start of a healthy dialogue. They need to express their pains and hard feelings openly and then proceed to talk about the real issues behind them. Paul could say: “I hear your anger. I realize that what happened is that I sensed your anger and impatience toward me, and I had a hard time facing it. Instead of facing it I escaped our problems by spending more time with friends and co-workers. I am worried that you want me to spend time with you at the expense of my friendship with others. I realize now that you are angry since working at home isolate you and make you feel lonely and unhappy. You are naturally asking for a stronger bond between us. I need to make more effort to spend more time with you and strengthen our bond, without scarifying my friendships with others. We need to discuss how to make this happen in a way that both of us grow without sacrificing our independent relations with others”. Putting it this way Paul acknowledges his feelings. He also put his objective assessment of Amy in a compassionate loving manner that opens to door for a deeper emotional dialogue for a resolution of the conflict. Amy’s response to Paul is unlikely to be defensive. When a deeper trust is established between them due to the openness of a dialogue, Amy will feel safe to express her real feelings of loneliness and insecurities that stems from her isolation at home, without attacking Paul. If such dialogue is follows a higher social awareness, they will try to find out a solution to the situations at their work with the vision to overcome their basic alienation. Amy is likely seek a job that allows her to build friendships and bonds with other people; and if Paul realizes that his job has been transforming him into a synthetic person whose increasing stress corresponds to the volatile markets and its social pressures, he will try to get out of the corporate rat race that destroys his humanity.
Realistically it is difficult to do the above in a culture in which the the individual is getting more isolated and busy with growing work. Once again, I cannot overemphasize how critical it is to see the real world as it is. Building deep consciousness of our real objective social situation enhances our ability to deepen our emotional dialogue with our partners and friends; it strengthens positive connections with them as well as with ourselves.
Unfortunately, the makeup of capitalist society and its market personality excludes a loving and productive exchange in times of conflict. For the market personality personal exchange needs to be always “pleasantly” marketable until the real underlying feelings explode into the surface via a negative conflict. In the movie Pleasantville, for example, the people bear the typical character of the market personality. They avoid conflicts and risks — that can be resolved through productive dialogues — because they are frightened and insecure underneath the pleasant mask. They reflect the superficial consciousness of the market personality. The market personality is afraid of conflicts because he/she lacks objectivity and independence. The opposite of the immature market personality is the mature person capable of objective reasoning. That person’s ability to resolve conflicts through dialogue is innately connected with the capacity to love, to be independent and objective.