Alienation in the Post Cold War Era
Chapter 14
On the Ability to Love
(page 3)
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In reality I can have an in-depth loving relationship only with a limited number of people. Even in the most liberated society, there is time’s confinement and a basic necessity to work (likely fewer hours than in capitalism) and maintain our physical existence. I believe, however, that it is not possible to have one main loving relationships and say four or five secondary loving relationships. A loving person does not love one person more than others. This illusion is part of the illusion of the nuclear family, where we are conditioned to believe that we suppose have one romantic love that lasts for ever, which is the main love of our life. It is outside the scope of this book to examine whether or not it is possible and desirable to have an erotic loving relationship with more than one person at the same period. It is suffice only to say that this is not to be excluded when the maturity of humanity will evolve considerably. At this stage our maturity is quite primitive; therefore, it is practically very difficult to have an evolving erotic loving relationships with several persons. Erotic relationships with several persons are not necessary for the self fulfillment of a loving person. It is, of course, extremely fulfilling to have an erotic relationship with only one person, provided that you have an equally intense emotional loving relationships with a number of people. But when one loves one person much more than the others, one always slides into a possessive dependent relationship which is not a loving relationship. In a symbiotic relationship[3] a person loves the other because of a fear of being alone — not because the person can stand on his/her own feet and love the other from the center of the self, foremost due to the ability to love oneself. In many symbiotic relationships between two people, one person plays the role of the spouse’s or lover’s mom or dad; this is so because many of us remain emotionally insecure children who project on their lovers the neediness of the child.
One may have an erotic love with one person, and love that person dearly. The erotic love gives a very fulfilling emotional unity and intimacy; but this is only one aspect of love that provides emotional unity and closeness, albeit a very important one. Yet, when the sexual love with a person is the center and focus of my loving relationships, such love is inevitably centered around the security of the mutual possession of each other at the exclusion of others. For if one can love a single person deeply, one is more than capable to love others as deeply[4]; in the case of a genuine love by a person full of life, such a person seeks other loving relationships that are as involved emotionally. For love involves self renewing and growing on both sides and many sides. Each person gives the real him/herself completely to the other persons; each relationship is quite different and unique, and yet the same in the sense that each one can be their authentic self without fear and facades — with the joy or sadness that exists in each one of us when we can be who we really are. Experiencing loving relationships with a number people is the elementary way in which love is carried to the community and humanity as a whole.
In this respect it is an illusion to believe that I love my family members more than my friends. This is an irrational incestuous love, in which the security of the small tribe and the loyalty to the family or the clan is the underlying incentive for such “love”. The many millions of examples in which families break up and feud bitterly with hate — while the children are used as pawns for the irrational feelings of love that turned into hate — is a clear manifestation of the bankruptcy of the incestuous family love. In fact, those who are capable to love can only say: “I love my friends as much I love my family members, and I love my family members as much I love my friends. My family members are equally my friends, and my friends are equally my family members. For each one I love for their unique personality and for our unique relationships that spark richer alivement with renewal and growth. In each one I love the life in the rest of humanity and myself.”
Yet to love in our society is the most difficult thing, almost impossible for many people; this is so, because to carry a deep loving relationships with a number of people, is extremely difficult and complex in the culture of alienation and personal isolation. Thus, to love intensely a number of people in a way that develop growth in you and the people that you love requires very hard efforts. In my experience, it requires daily or at least weekly attempts (when possible) to re-kindle and develop further the loving relationships with different people. It requires a conscious decision to have a loving approach to life and people as a big priority that requires to avoid as much as possible escape activities with the self and others, such as constant home improvement and shopping whether they is really necessary or not. This is so, because when we escape ourselves with such escape activities, we harm the loving self and we avoid reaching the others with the loving self.
Hanging out together, that is, doing nothing in particular together, is a very important for loving relationships. Many times doing nothing in particular is essential for being yourself with others; at such moments the human interaction occurs with minimum external distractions that take you away from yourself. The rewards for being yourself by just hanging out with your friends are always great. The biggest reward is the act of loving since you can best love others when you can be yourself without external distractions. Hanging out together, however, just set the basic framework. It is not easy to create the delicate emotional atmosphere in which people can be themselves. My experience is that these situations can unfold when we utilize our capacity for listening and empathy. When people sense loving and caring persons they feel free to express their real feelings and talk about the things inside them that they long to express with people who are capable to listen and accept their real self including the painful stuff.
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[3]It is outside the scope of this book to describe the many varieties of symbiotic relationships.
[4]As I wrote earlier, loving others deeply does not have to involve sexual relationships.